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Me and my half-vampire, half-werewolf girlfriend are going to eat deep-fried baby sandwiches and watch cannibal porn
September 2nd, 2004 |I just watched ìUnderworldî for the first time tonight.
Jesus fucking Christ, what garbage. What utter, useless, thoughtless garbage. Iím sick of this kind of sub-par nonsense. This is a Vampires vs. Werewolves movie? Iím tired of everyone strutting around in leather and PVC corsets. Iím tired of vampires that just sit around looking all mopey and tragic drinking blood from wine goblets. Iím tired of werewolves that are about as scary as muppets. Iím tired of writers trying to come up with cool biological ways for there to be vampires and werewolves, and having them all be viruses and germs and shit like that (what next, a movie about a guy who catches lycanthropy from a toilet seat? ìUh oh, my ass is messy and its the full moon. Here comes trouble!î). Iím tired of slow motion camerawork being used so much that it deserves its own screen credit (If slow motion photography were a person, theyíd be the richest person in the world. Hands down.). Iím tired of interior photography (showing someoneís veins, lungs, heart, whatever doing something or getting destroyed) being used in the same way (have we learned nothing from ìHardware?î) Iím tired of people just doing dumbshit things with supposedly undead people, like having them almost drown, or show one of them coming to life by using the aforementioned interior photography to show their heart *start beating.* Iím tired of evil, inhuman supernatural things like vampires and werewolves declawed and defanged so they can be all cuddly and relatable and be friendly (yes, Iím a Buffy fan, but that kind of thing must be handled with care). When I go to the movies to see a horror movie with these types of things in them, I WANT TO SEE SOME EVIL SHIT GOING DOWN. I want to see people mealiní on a deep-fryed baby sandwich and then get upset that there are too many tiny baby bones in it.
Yíknow, like fish.
It just irks me that I feel like I can do better, and then I realize that Iím not. The mediocre dude who puts out tons of stuff will get more work than the genius that writes a book every ten years.
I need to do more shit, blah blah blah. Weíve all heard this before, letís keep going, shall we?
All in all, I hope the people who made Underworld get taken to the cleaners by White Wolf (who have sued them for plagiarism of their World of Darkness role-playing game system). I think anyone who has done WOD stuff and seen this movie can tell you that the stylistic elements are obvious, not to mention the fact that the actual story is a copy of a WOD adventure. A PDF of the actual complaint is floating around on the net, and it lists (for about three pages) the similarities between the movie and the White Wolf stuff. Go get ëem boys.
Speaking of evil shit, one of the funniest comics Iíve come across at work thus far: ìCannibal Porn.î No, I didnít read ìCannibal Porn,î but I look forward to reading ìCannibal Pornî soon. Why do I keep saying ìCannibal Porn?î Because I want crazy people who are searching on-line for ìCannibal Pornî to be brought here, since I enjoy disappointing people. Hello, disappointed crazy people! If it wasnít for disappointment I wouldnít have any appointment.
Work is a magic roller coaster. Thatís pretty much all I can say about it. Itís definitely fun, and apparently I definitely donít mind spending 40+ hours a week there, even when Iím only getting paid for 40 hours. Thatís a sign that I like my job (or that I have severe mental problems), I suppose. I spent more time today on a ladder and teetering off of shelf edges than anybody with the severe fear of heights that I have should.
Every night at 11 I tell myself ìIf Adult Swim is showing episodes of ìFamily Guyî and ìFuturamaî that Iíve seen before, Iím going to turn the TV off and do something else.î Tick tock, Clarice, tick tock. Itís almost 11, what will I do? Youíd think Iíd stop watching those shows altogether because I donít think there are episodes I havenít seen, but stillÖitís funny. And the seven-leaf clover episode of ìFuturamaî is perhaps one of the sweetest ever. Maybe even sweeter than the ìFry Makes a Deal With the Robot Devil to Trade Hands So He Can Learn to Play the Holophoner So He Can Win Leelaís Loveî episode.
Seriously.
Robot devil, I remainÖ
Laura and I saw ‘Underworld’ at the movies last year. I agree. It is a piece of crap. Worst thing is all the flakey matrix type effects, and the characters are so 2 dimensional, we have no feelings for them whatsoever. The only redeeming facet of the entire movie is that Kate Beckinsale looks awefully fine in that tight fitting outfit :)
Jim,
That is definitely true. She almost made the movie bearable. I also loved how they were in some unknown European country and everyone spoke English. That made perfect sense.
-TEC