In any case, expect me to keep mucking about with site layout as I try to get a handle on the new theme. The other night I reconfigured a bit of the Gifted script as I get closer to the idea of digital publication. What it means is that I had envisioned the series as 6 22 to 24 page issues, and those types of issues have to be told in a certain format. However, if this is going to be published more long form with bigger “chapter breaks” then that means that some of the story has to be tweaked a bit, especially if we’re going to be publishing in a one page at a time pace. Right now that translates into 65 pages of script, 22 of which have been penciled and lettered, three more just penciled. I’ve got probably another 66 pages of which that will now need to be reconfigured for digital publication (basically, three more issues of story). I’ll now endeavour to convert a page to art-ready script a night, so we’ll see how that goes.

All hands, brace for impact…

Anyway, in trying to get my writing life back on track I created a schedule for publishing Gifted online. When I say “online” I mean here because why go anywhere else, right? Right now we have 25 pages of art, most of which are lettered and processed to a point where I like them. In the end, I have to tell myself that’s what matters. That and finally putting someone out there for a mass audience so it can be greeted with the kind of scorn, derision, ridicule and indifference that the internet can provide. Of course, this means I have to get my artist in line with this new schedule. I think we can make it happen, and I think that once the reality of publishing set in I think things will change.

Or they’ll fail horribly and I’ll have to go back to square one. Again. I guess I just have to try something, and even if it doesn’t work out and I have to find another artist, or the schedule goes off the rails I’ll know that I tried something.

I don’t want to come off as pessimistic, because I believe in this story, I believe in the art and I think it’s getting better page after page. I think we can pull this off, but like every creative endeavor I have doubts. Mostly self-doubt, but doubt none the less. It’s going to happen, it will happen, and I need to remind myself that no matter how it starts it has to start sometime. It might as well be now.

Or July. Definitely July.

Probably.

Lots of stress about stuff, and that coupled with the fact that it seems like the AC at the shop is on the fritz has undoubtedly made me unpleasant to be around once the the temperature started hanging out north of 80 degrees. I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not. Apologizing is just so goddamn tedious, and when you’re putting your head down and just trying to work on everything at once it just feels like a waste of time.

This is probably why I don’t have a lot of friends.

I’ve focused so much on working on so much that I wonder if I’ll ever master any one of the things I’m trying to get done. Marriage, store, writing, parenthood…and not even in that order. Just trying to get everything together and perfect just means I’m running from pile to pile, trying to keep everything going. I wish I had more of a capacity to laser in on one single thing and make it sheer perfection, but I honestly don’t know how. If I can’t do that then I’d settle for being able completing some of the things on my mountain of “Things I want to Accomplish.” Or maybe not being wracked with stress. I wish I could be a better writer, a better boss, a better husband, a better father and a better friend.

Maybe it’d just be nice to not stuck in the “perfection or abject failure” dichotomy.

****

In non-emo news, I’d like to do a redesign on this site, and perhaps get it ready for publishing Gifted on a…well, whatever we can handle schedule.

Podcasting is going relatively well. To the complete surprise of no one, I seem to have a lot to say. Occasionally, I let other people talk too.

I’m getting fatter. I know a lot of that worry is in my head, but not by much. I wish I could carve out more time to exercise or go to the gym. It’d be nice if the Antioch Gym was up and running again. That’d be perfect. Or boxing. Punching people in the face, or even getting punched in the face, seems so goddamn liberating at times. Like letting go and seeing how strong (or weak) you actually are. Kind of liberating, even if I am romanticizing the idea of OH GOD OH GOD I JUST GOT HIT IN THE FACE! Either way, it’d be nice to put everything aside, get out of my own head and just fight for my bloody life.

No matter the outcome.

It took me about another 4 hours.

I know it’s “no big deal” and all, but I hate it. I was going to write something lame and emo about it, but I’m going to just say that I hold myself to a pretty high standard and “everyone makes mistakes” doesn’t cut it for me. If I’m going to be a full-on “in-charge grown-up” then I have to be the best, head-on a swivel, take no prisoners, perfectionist there is. Because if I can’t do it, then I don’t think anyone can. Because if I’m not going to be the best, then I’m nothing. I’ve felt like crap for long enough in my life that the only way I’m going to feel comfortable is if I feel like I’m 100% the best and better than anyone or anything. The second I don’t, it all falls apart. And badly.

And that, as they say, is all I have to say about that.

In any case, we recorded the first store podcast on Monday, and that was a lot of fun. It’s mostly about the store and comics, so if you don’t care about those things…don’t click here. I like the idea of being able to put stuff out there and talk and maybe be funny and/or do the faux arrogance thing that I seem to have stumbled upon in the past year or so. It suits me, I guess, but damn. Sometimes it’s exhausting and I just want to be exhausted.

See? I’m blaming that on the weather.

But in good news, MC Chris came to the store and played video games with us. I used twitter and the internet effectively and made some time to come out because he wanted to play Red Dead Redemption and we happened to have that. I’m not going to lie, it made me feel real good. It made me go “This is why I work 40-60 hours a week for not a lot of money: Because if you work hard consistently you can build something that’s worthwhile and then people will start taking notice and you can do something to make them happy.” And that’s why I do it. But yeah, more money would be nice.

Then today YT Cracker came by the store as well. He had both heard about Chris being there and was brought by someone who knows us, and that was cool too.

I’ve been in kind of a creative void, but maybe that’s okay. I’m kind of lost as to what to devote my energy too. My comic guys are drawing and I’m kind of just twiddling my thumbs while being ahead on scripts and trying not to cry out “I really want to get published, dammit! I’m going to be 34 this year! Most guys ‘breaking in’ right now are younger than me! I can’t wait anymore!” I don’t want to hold them accountable for the fact that I feel like I creatively wasted my 20s, that’s my issue not theirs, and we all have personal stuff that we have to do (like jobs, since I can’t afford to anything but share credit and money on the backend) but I just want to get stuff out there and see if I’ve been deluding myself about what I have to offer.

We’ll see. Maybe I should refocus on prose, but I’m scared of my prose writing lately. I see stories I’ve written and throw up in my mouth a little. I know that’s natural and I should just grow a pair, but damn…I feel like I’ve completely readjusted to comic scripts, which kind of makes me ill. Not because one is better than the other, but there are stories that I want to tell that I feel are “prose stories” and I feel like if I give up on prose they will just go away. Plus with prose I rise and fall on my own productivity.

It’s all such a bother. I feel like I’m just screaming in the wilderness like a creative Omega Man, but who knows? All the greats have been there, right? I just need to keep working, right?

Well, there was never any doubt of that, right?